The Best Review of Pirates EVER

So, for this week’s blog entry, I decided to write a review on the movie “Pirates.” It’s supposed to be the greatest porn movie out there, having won numerous AVN awards. Thus, you can imagine, I was pretty darn excited (excuse the pun) when I took this on.

I got ready for bed– with my popcorn and a tall glass of water thinking,  “WOW this should be great!” Except within the first 45 minutes I was sound asleep!

Okay, maybe I was a little tired, had worked hard that day or something, right?  So, I decided to give it another try. There I was, the next night, no popcorn this time, propped up in bed, ready to be trilled…. No dice. Snoozing. However, I did make for around an hour. At this point, I thought… well, maybe it is not me; maybe this movie is all hype and no return!

But, to give it the benefit of the doubt, like those books you start, hate, and finish just to see what happens, I once again popped in Pirates… Yet again, yes, you guessed it… I fell asleep! Eventually, through this method and much personal fortitude, I made it through the movie. Here is my complete review:

Pirates, is the most expensive porn movie ever produced. However, it is extremely painful to watch if you’re trying to look for a good plot, or even decent acting ability. It’s supposed to be a showcase film for the director, whose name is simply Joone, to show well-lit XXX (supposed) sex scenes and lots of goofy computer enhanced scenes involving seascapes, caves and ships… the icing on the cake being the skeleton pirates that have to duel with some bad-ass girls on an island.

I can’t really recommend it, as it has no real merit as far as real creativity goes. How hard is it to make a spin off the original POTC?

On the other hand, it does, however, contain the highest caliber of sleaze entertainment that I have seen in awhile, and it’s a fairly entertaining movie if you can stay awake long enough to watch it.

The dialog is not good but it does lead up to some interesting quotes— lines that you and your friends (or whomever you may or may not be watching the movie with) will be saying for a few days to follow. Long-time porn star Evan Stone delivers his lines with the convincing silliness because he’s probably the only one who gets how stupid the script is, and rolls with it.  Actresses with one-word names, such as, “Teagan” and “Devon” aren’t quite as adept. You’ll get the idea about five minutes into the film… if not sooner.

The b/g scenes were very short. Not that I really need to see those half-hour completely fake sex scenes, but even by “couple-friendly porn” standards, the sex was basic if not down right boring. In my opinion, only the g/g scenes show any real edge, with all the booties on display, I found it completely unbelievable that none of the males even accidentally touched their female partner’s ‘forbidden’ entrances (the girls do indulge in it a bit, in the g/g scenes). There might have been a “strictly no anal sex” clause in this movie, but did they have to leave off all oral or digital (as in finger,) manipulation by the males as well?

In the one and only threesome scene amongst the ten sex scenes, the third partner (Teagan) contributes a little  “lip service” for a shot period of time…what’s the use of having a top rated porn star in a scene when you’re not going to use her?

Another missed opportunity was the Carmen Luvana-Jenaveve Jolie g/g session in the middle of a leering male crowd of pirate types. They could have at least got their cocks out and beat it to the hot scene taking place in front of them, but no, they stand around just watching and drinking their beer… Come on! Is that really even believable?

Also, for all the seemingly rough characters in the film, it’s surprising we didn’t see any 2-on-1 MMF sex scenes– the pirates here are only marginally (and that’s being generous) ‘harder’ than those from the Disney flick (at least these ones have sex…sometimes).

Long story short, I expected steamier sex scenes in this extremely expensive movie, but what I got instead was mediocrity.

This movie is a complete two thumbs down due to bad acting, boring sex scenes and being way too drawn out.  I mean, really, the original POTC wasn’t even two hours long!



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