Porn Store Etiquette – A guide for the mis-guided

After owing a Lingerie/Adult store for almost 8 years and working in one for 5 more, I think that I’ve seen it all. Retail can be a rewarding experience but once in great while you get people in who need a real lesson in etiquette. Seriously, I want to know who raised these people? These people don’t know how to act in public and need some lessons on how not to be a prick in your local Adult store.

I decided to take a poll from the employees and find out what is their biggest pet peeves. Interestingly enough, there are a number of behaviors that creeped out, freaked and grossed each one of the employees.

Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a lesson in Porn-shop Etiquette.

  1. Your Sexual Tryst Invitation: Come on. Do you know how many perverts come into adult stores and invite the employees to go out and have a roll in the hay with them. Do you think that your invitation is original? Get a life. Just because we work in an adult store doesn’t mean that we’ll put out for you. Although, we may be slutty, We’re not going to do the horizontal mabo with you. If you use the local Porn-shop as a pickup joint, you are probably an anti-social, stinky pervert. We love you as a customer, we’re just not in love with you. If you’re not, we’re not interested in your swapping, threesome or other fucked up fantasy of us hooking up.
  2. Hygiene. Take a fucking bath. Enough said.
  3. Have you seen this porn? I bet that I wouldn’t have to work at a porn shop if I got a dollar every time some person asked me that question. I don’t want to be rude, but did you know that the porn industry releases over 10,000 DVD titles a year. If you can do the simple math you’d see that I don’t have time to watch every single porn.  The average porn runs about 90 minutes. This means that I would have to watch 900000 minutes of porn to possibly see the exact DVD that you are eying. Chances are I didn’t want to spend 1.7 years of my life to become your personal porno reviewer. If you like the pictures on the cover of people fucking, you’ll probably like the porn.
  4. How about watching this porn with me? EWWWWWWWWW. Come on, why would I actually take the time out of my life to watch that porn with you. You most likely gross, desperate and don’t have a life. Do you think that I want to join your frap party with you and your friends? I don’t think so. Don’t invite me, don’t even think about it. It’s not going to happen. Ever.
  5. Strippers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go postal on a stripper. If you are a stripper, I’ll give you a discount. Just be courteous. We work in the adult entertainment industry also. We are here to serve you. Don’t come in cracked out and expect us to give a shit.
  6. Are you the old dude who look at EVERY porn? Come on, don’t be the weird old man who doesn’t say two words to us. You just head straight to the porn section, pick up and study each and every DVD on both sides and then a few hours late, leave the store in a rush. We run a business not a charity frap fantasy. If you got your rocks off for few hours, buy some lubricant. It will save you the chafing. Please leave before you use the lubricant. Please.
  7. Staring at my breasts: Now I understand that it’s in the male psyche to stare at the closest pair of breasts. I even understand that it can be a good joke. Don’t walk in and start at the poor sales girl’s breast. WTF Moment: Walking up to me and staring at my cleavage without saying two words. It’s rude and gross. We think that you’re just a creepy old pervert.  My eyes are about 12 inches higher. Have some fucking respect and talk to me like I’m a human, not a character in your siko fantasy.
  8. Don’t cop an attitude when I ask you for ID. Take it as a complement. I am just doing my part to help the fascist government keep people under 18 out of the porn store. Be flattered that you don’t look old. I’d love to see pornographic websites get the same flack as we do.
  9. How many masturbators can you break? Dude, seriously, spend the money at a bar trying to get laid. It’s probably cheaper and will not gross us out so bad. We don’t give a shit about the size of your member. There are hundreds of penises on our walls. We don’t care about yours.
  10. Fucking in the dressing room. I wouldn’t come into your place of work and fuck on your desk. How about having some respect for the store. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve busted trying to get it on at the porn store. Think about this, you probably are not the first couple in the world trying to get their kink on in the dressing room. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. By the way, FUCK You Cosmopolitan magazine for giving couples the idea in the firs place. Take your lingerie home and go fuck each other privately.

Don’t get me wrong. We love you as our customer. I want to see you return to the store as often as you want. Just don’t be the freaked out creepy customer that no one wants to deal with. Don’t make me have to throw your ass out for not having any porn store etiquette.

Jason Vance

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1 Response to “Porn Store Etiquette – A guide for the mis-guided”


  1. 1 isis88 October 30, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    After working in the adult entertainment business as a dancer for five years, I too have horror stories of people and there rude, uncouth behavior. There has been plenty of “WTF?!” moments.

    I giggled at several of the above “rules”.

    Here’s what I’ve discovered……a good chunk of the population thinks that if you work in this industry you are either a) a whore, b) a complete fucking idiot with absolutely no education because, well, who would work in such an industry if you were educated, right? or c) have completely lost the concept of self-respect and pride in your person.

    Lesson too be learned: We are all super intelligent, everyone knows sex sells so I believe that partaking in such a business venture, whether it be a dancer, sex shop owner/employee or even a porn star, is a very smart route to go. We are most certainly not whores. I, as an ex dancer, wanted to dance and entice to make money. Not give you a hand job in the back, mostly due to the fact (which brings me to the third) I have self-respect and don’t want to lower myself to the title of prostitute. I may be a dancer, I but I still have standards for whose junk I’m going to touch and some creepy old dude in sweatpants who hasn’t showered/brushed his teeth in a week is not my fortay.

    Wow, that was a mouthful, eh?

    Great article, great shop. Can’t wait to model for your show at the Knitting Factory.


    Isis


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