How to tell if you’re the creepy dude at the adut store

One of the funniest topics of conversation at the Va Va Voom I have with our female employees is the stories about “The Daily Creepy Dude”. While most of our customer base is young women in their twenties & thirties or committed couples coming in to spice up their love life, we do get our share of creepy freaks in the store. While our store is 90% Lingerie and other fun stuff, we do sell a limited collection of pornogray. All of these “Creepy Dudes” are typically shopping for porn when they come in. While all of these freaks are harmless, they do freak out the female employees.  This people can range from the business man to the dude that you think is homeless and hasn’t showered in two weeks.

So to start 2009 out right, I’ve complied a list of the top ten “Mr. Creepy Dudes” whom patronize the store over the years. We love you all of you! We’re just not in-love with you.

  1. Mr. I need porn First thing Monday Morning. You’re waiting for the clerk to open the doors on Monday morning to see if we’ve by chance received a shipment of porn on Sunday. Maybe we got an overnight shipment of porn  that you haven’t perused. Seriously, we’ve had people who think that we would get shipments of porn on the weekend. They were in the store on Saturday. The first thing Monday morning, they’re bright eyed and waiting to see if we have a new title for their viewing pleasure.
  2. Mr. Hit on the Female Clerk Dude. While buying a vibrator for your wife or girlfriend, you ask the female clerk if she want’s to go out and have drinks with you. Our girls have a very healthy sex life (I know, I’m married to one). They just don’t want to be intimate with you. Your technique and pickup line are just pain creepy. You’re buying an intimate toy for you and your significant other and then you take the time to see if you can score with the “Ladies of the Boutique”.
  3. Mr. Preachy Pants. You decide to preach to the porn clerk girl about God all while buying the latest Tranny porn for your private collection. While we don’t care what you’re into I find it mildly humors that you have to preach while you’re buying “Brazilian She-Males #4”. We all want you to know: It’s ok if you like the lady boys, we don’t care.
  4. Mr.WTF is Hygiene. Hygiene is something that you’ve forgot about and you come into the store, you’re the creepy guy. You’re smelly and spend hours looking at all the adult products in the store, but you never buy anything. We tolerate you because we love ALL our customers. Just take a bath. Hygiene is the #1 way to score with the ladies.
  5. Mr. I buy wayyyyyyyy too much porn. Of all the creepy guys, this is the one I absolutely love! They come in to the store once a week and buy 2-3 porns. You’re pleasant, respectful, usually not to bad looking. We have to wonder why are you spending lots of your free cash on virtual fantasies, when you probably could easily hook up in real life? It’s really weird when your porn collection rivals Blockbuster Video.
  6. Mr. I love women’s panties. You’re not really too creepy, we just want to know what’s wrong with you? Coming into the store every day to buy a new pair of women’s panties is a bit strange but not creepy. Asking if we want to see what they look like on you… Creepy.  Telling the poor girl that you want them to look at you when you model your newest pair of crotchless knickers puts you into the freak zone.
  7. Mr. Stalker. Hey, I know that you like to be waited on by certain star employees. Especially the ones more endowed than the others. I try and make sure that we have a 100% satisfaction when you shop at either Va Va Voom. However, it really weirds out our girls when you won’t buy anything from anybody but your special clerk. Let me clue you in, the girl you think is going to ask you to ravish her, really just tolerates you because she works on commission. Last hint, her boobs don’t talk.
  8. Mr. Meth Head. Enough said…  Nawww Just kidding. Because you’re horny and high  all the timeyou almost make #1 on the list. You think that you’re one sexy bitch, but really you’re just a twitchy, scratchy, emaciated, smelly freak who needs to get some serious sleep. I think that the drug war is 100% evil and wrong, but DUDE put that shit down. You’re freaking us out!
  9. Mr. You are the creepy dude. If you’re not sure that you’re the creepy dude at the store, you probably are.
  10. Mr. Amateur Photographer. Even better, is the amateur photographer who come in and ask the girls if they want him to take some boudoir pictures. First of all have you even seen our advertising? I’ve been dealing with the same photographer for 8 years. He’s amazing. If he’s not taking our pictures. I am and I’m pretty damn great. I’ll be you don’t even own a digital SLR camera. The truth is, we know that you’re an unemployed looser, You pose as a professional photographer on MySpace where you pathetically try to pick up chicks. We know that you’re  just going to use the pictures for your own private frap session. EWWWWWWW!

99.99% of our customers are regular everyday people, but we do get more than our fair share of interesting folks. That’s why you’re reading our blog right now! Free Entertainment.

Va Va Voom People!
Jason Vance

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