Archive for the 'General' Category

MySpace Max and the Pick-Up Line

One of the most amusing parts of my job is to respond to email, messages and social networks. I typically get a few email attempts at dating and or meeting our monthly cover-girl. While I don’t blame them, I do find the uber pathetic attempts at seduction almost amusing.

However, sometimes, I just get fed up with loser perverts that use MySpace as their pathetic version of a bar.

I decided to posts today’s mail, along with my smarmy response:

From: max
Date: Dec 9, 2008 7:36 AM
Subject: well

so…I’m from Sweden, in search for a playful friend in you coutry, could you be that friend maybe?

Remember, Max is a 33 old “Ladies Man” from Denmark. I decided to have some fun with him and give a proper response:

Dear Max,

Are you a complete idiot? What type of person sends numerous messages on MySpace to see if you can hook up with some willing female companion. Are you using the Shotgun approach to sex on the internet? Are you so pathetic that you’re hoping for a quickie in the dressing room by one of the staff memebers? Maybe are you hoping that our store is chocked full of swinging females whom are waiting to ravish you at your beck and call.

Did you truly take the time to read our profile? I think that it’s fairly easy to distinguish that Va Va Voom is a Retail operation and sex toy website. Va Va Voom is not some sex-crazed sexy store clerk anxiously waiting for your poorly written myspace message to turn us on.

Better yet, do you fantasize about having a lingerie store full of female companions that are waiting to perform every sexual fantasy that you may have? You might want to address this issue with a mental health professional.

Finally, if you’re really trying to be an internet Ladies Man, take the time to come up with a better “Pick-Up Lines”. There has been a number of books and articles written out there that will greatly improve your odds at having an anonymous shag. If you respond, I will provide you with a list to help in your sex ways.

You could improve your skills by visiting your local books store and searching for “How to Pick Up Chicks.”

Kind Regards,

Va Va Voom

I’m sure that there is a lesson to be learned here. Guys should carefully read a person’s profile.

MySpace Max Profile

Typically if there is a business involved, there is probably 2-3 people whom are dealing with the social media sites. Don’t assume that the Female is 5’7”, blond and sexy. In truth, it might be a marginally handsome 6’ 4” bearded guy that co-owns the company. Lastly, come up with some better pick-up lines.

Don’t be pathetic Max.

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Porn Store Etiquette – A guide for the mis-guided

After owing a Lingerie/Adult store for almost 8 years and working in one for 5 more, I think that I’ve seen it all. Retail can be a rewarding experience but once in great while you get people in who need a real lesson in etiquette. Seriously, I want to know who raised these people? These people don’t know how to act in public and need some lessons on how not to be a prick in your local Adult store.

I decided to take a poll from the employees and find out what is their biggest pet peeves. Interestingly enough, there are a number of behaviors that creeped out, freaked and grossed each one of the employees.

Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a lesson in Porn-shop Etiquette.

  1. Your Sexual Tryst Invitation: Come on. Do you know how many perverts come into adult stores and invite the employees to go out and have a roll in the hay with them. Do you think that your invitation is original? Get a life. Just because we work in an adult store doesn’t mean that we’ll put out for you. Although, we may be slutty, We’re not going to do the horizontal mabo with you. If you use the local Porn-shop as a pickup joint, you are probably an anti-social, stinky pervert. We love you as a customer, we’re just not in love with you. If you’re not, we’re not interested in your swapping, threesome or other fucked up fantasy of us hooking up.
  2. Hygiene. Take a fucking bath. Enough said.
  3. Have you seen this porn? I bet that I wouldn’t have to work at a porn shop if I got a dollar every time some person asked me that question. I don’t want to be rude, but did you know that the porn industry releases over 10,000 DVD titles a year. If you can do the simple math you’d see that I don’t have time to watch every single porn.  The average porn runs about 90 minutes. This means that I would have to watch 900000 minutes of porn to possibly see the exact DVD that you are eying. Chances are I didn’t want to spend 1.7 years of my life to become your personal porno reviewer. If you like the pictures on the cover of people fucking, you’ll probably like the porn.
  4. How about watching this porn with me? EWWWWWWWWW. Come on, why would I actually take the time out of my life to watch that porn with you. You most likely gross, desperate and don’t have a life. Do you think that I want to join your frap party with you and your friends? I don’t think so. Don’t invite me, don’t even think about it. It’s not going to happen. Ever.
  5. Strippers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go postal on a stripper. If you are a stripper, I’ll give you a discount. Just be courteous. We work in the adult entertainment industry also. We are here to serve you. Don’t come in cracked out and expect us to give a shit.
  6. Are you the old dude who look at EVERY porn? Come on, don’t be the weird old man who doesn’t say two words to us. You just head straight to the porn section, pick up and study each and every DVD on both sides and then a few hours late, leave the store in a rush. We run a business not a charity frap fantasy. If you got your rocks off for few hours, buy some lubricant. It will save you the chafing. Please leave before you use the lubricant. Please.
  7. Staring at my breasts: Now I understand that it’s in the male psyche to stare at the closest pair of breasts. I even understand that it can be a good joke. Don’t walk in and start at the poor sales girl’s breast. WTF Moment: Walking up to me and staring at my cleavage without saying two words. It’s rude and gross. We think that you’re just a creepy old pervert.  My eyes are about 12 inches higher. Have some fucking respect and talk to me like I’m a human, not a character in your siko fantasy.
  8. Don’t cop an attitude when I ask you for ID. Take it as a complement. I am just doing my part to help the fascist government keep people under 18 out of the porn store. Be flattered that you don’t look old. I’d love to see pornographic websites get the same flack as we do.
  9. How many masturbators can you break? Dude, seriously, spend the money at a bar trying to get laid. It’s probably cheaper and will not gross us out so bad. We don’t give a shit about the size of your member. There are hundreds of penises on our walls. We don’t care about yours.
  10. Fucking in the dressing room. I wouldn’t come into your place of work and fuck on your desk. How about having some respect for the store. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve busted trying to get it on at the porn store. Think about this, you probably are not the first couple in the world trying to get their kink on in the dressing room. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. By the way, FUCK You Cosmopolitan magazine for giving couples the idea in the firs place. Take your lingerie home and go fuck each other privately.

Don’t get me wrong. We love you as our customer. I want to see you return to the store as often as you want. Just don’t be the freaked out creepy customer that no one wants to deal with. Don’t make me have to throw your ass out for not having any porn store etiquette.

Jason Vance

Va Va Voom Redux

This is officially our second foray into the world of blogging. Va Va Voom did it years ago, giving you stories from the sales floor. We gave you stories of our battles with local politicians trying  Today, we’re changing the way we do things.  While we are not virgins at this, we all about experimentation and changing the way we do things

This blog will have a few different purposes. First of all, it will be dedicated to showing our new product in the retail stores. There is many items that we carry in the stores that we can’t contractually carry online, such as T&A  (Threads & Accessories from Hulster). As with the internet we’re able to carry far more products online that we are in the store. However, we’ve made sure that we carry a bit different items in the stores as apposed to our online site.

Secondly, we promise to help everyone with their relationships. We’re going to provide you with romance ideas on how to keep your relationship healthy and happy. We’re going to give you some ideas on keeping the kink on in your relationship

We’re also going to use it as a testing ground to see how receptive our advertising is for our most loyal customers. We will be bloging, but I won’t be the only voice out there talking about what we’re doing. We’re going to let the girls on the sales floor have a voice as well.

Finally, we want to hear from you! This means that if you have questions, comments or suggestions, use this as a platform to communicate with us. We want to hear from you.

Remember make them say Va Va Voom Baby…


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