Archive for the 'Sex Humor' Category

How to tell if you’re the creepy dude at the adut store

One of the funniest topics of conversation at the Va Va Voom I have with our female employees is the stories about “The Daily Creepy Dude”. While most of our customer base is young women in their twenties & thirties or committed couples coming in to spice up their love life, we do get our share of creepy freaks in the store. While our store is 90% Lingerie and other fun stuff, we do sell a limited collection of pornogray. All of these “Creepy Dudes” are typically shopping for porn when they come in. While all of these freaks are harmless, they do freak out the female employees.  This people can range from the business man to the dude that you think is homeless and hasn’t showered in two weeks.

So to start 2009 out right, I’ve complied a list of the top ten “Mr. Creepy Dudes” whom patronize the store over the years. We love you all of you! We’re just not in-love with you.

  1. Mr. I need porn First thing Monday Morning. You’re waiting for the clerk to open the doors on Monday morning to see if we’ve by chance received a shipment of porn on Sunday. Maybe we got an overnight shipment of porn  that you haven’t perused. Seriously, we’ve had people who think that we would get shipments of porn on the weekend. They were in the store on Saturday. The first thing Monday morning, they’re bright eyed and waiting to see if we have a new title for their viewing pleasure.
  2. Mr. Hit on the Female Clerk Dude. While buying a vibrator for your wife or girlfriend, you ask the female clerk if she want’s to go out and have drinks with you. Our girls have a very healthy sex life (I know, I’m married to one). They just don’t want to be intimate with you. Your technique and pickup line are just pain creepy. You’re buying an intimate toy for you and your significant other and then you take the time to see if you can score with the “Ladies of the Boutique”.
  3. Mr. Preachy Pants. You decide to preach to the porn clerk girl about God all while buying the latest Tranny porn for your private collection. While we don’t care what you’re into I find it mildly humors that you have to preach while you’re buying “Brazilian She-Males #4”. We all want you to know: It’s ok if you like the lady boys, we don’t care.
  4. Mr.WTF is Hygiene. Hygiene is something that you’ve forgot about and you come into the store, you’re the creepy guy. You’re smelly and spend hours looking at all the adult products in the store, but you never buy anything. We tolerate you because we love ALL our customers. Just take a bath. Hygiene is the #1 way to score with the ladies.
  5. Mr. I buy wayyyyyyyy too much porn. Of all the creepy guys, this is the one I absolutely love! They come in to the store once a week and buy 2-3 porns. You’re pleasant, respectful, usually not to bad looking. We have to wonder why are you spending lots of your free cash on virtual fantasies, when you probably could easily hook up in real life? It’s really weird when your porn collection rivals Blockbuster Video.
  6. Mr. I love women’s panties. You’re not really too creepy, we just want to know what’s wrong with you? Coming into the store every day to buy a new pair of women’s panties is a bit strange but not creepy. Asking if we want to see what they look like on you… Creepy.  Telling the poor girl that you want them to look at you when you model your newest pair of crotchless knickers puts you into the freak zone.
  7. Mr. Stalker. Hey, I know that you like to be waited on by certain star employees. Especially the ones more endowed than the others. I try and make sure that we have a 100% satisfaction when you shop at either Va Va Voom. However, it really weirds out our girls when you won’t buy anything from anybody but your special clerk. Let me clue you in, the girl you think is going to ask you to ravish her, really just tolerates you because she works on commission. Last hint, her boobs don’t talk.
  8. Mr. Meth Head. Enough said…  Nawww Just kidding. Because you’re horny and high  all the timeyou almost make #1 on the list. You think that you’re one sexy bitch, but really you’re just a twitchy, scratchy, emaciated, smelly freak who needs to get some serious sleep. I think that the drug war is 100% evil and wrong, but DUDE put that shit down. You’re freaking us out!
  9. Mr. You are the creepy dude. If you’re not sure that you’re the creepy dude at the store, you probably are.
  10. Mr. Amateur Photographer. Even better, is the amateur photographer who come in and ask the girls if they want him to take some boudoir pictures. First of all have you even seen our advertising? I’ve been dealing with the same photographer for 8 years. He’s amazing. If he’s not taking our pictures. I am and I’m pretty damn great. I’ll be you don’t even own a digital SLR camera. The truth is, we know that you’re an unemployed looser, You pose as a professional photographer on MySpace where you pathetically try to pick up chicks. We know that you’re  just going to use the pictures for your own private frap session. EWWWWWWW!

99.99% of our customers are regular everyday people, but we do get more than our fair share of interesting folks. That’s why you’re reading our blog right now! Free Entertainment.

Va Va Voom People!
Jason Vance

Advertisements

MySpace Max and the Pick-Up Line

One of the most amusing parts of my job is to respond to email, messages and social networks. I typically get a few email attempts at dating and or meeting our monthly cover-girl. While I don’t blame them, I do find the uber pathetic attempts at seduction almost amusing.

However, sometimes, I just get fed up with loser perverts that use MySpace as their pathetic version of a bar.

I decided to posts today’s mail, along with my smarmy response:

From: max
Date: Dec 9, 2008 7:36 AM
Subject: well

so…I’m from Sweden, in search for a playful friend in you coutry, could you be that friend maybe?

Remember, Max is a 33 old “Ladies Man” from Denmark. I decided to have some fun with him and give a proper response:

Dear Max,

Are you a complete idiot? What type of person sends numerous messages on MySpace to see if you can hook up with some willing female companion. Are you using the Shotgun approach to sex on the internet? Are you so pathetic that you’re hoping for a quickie in the dressing room by one of the staff memebers? Maybe are you hoping that our store is chocked full of swinging females whom are waiting to ravish you at your beck and call.

Did you truly take the time to read our profile? I think that it’s fairly easy to distinguish that Va Va Voom is a Retail operation and sex toy website. Va Va Voom is not some sex-crazed sexy store clerk anxiously waiting for your poorly written myspace message to turn us on.

Better yet, do you fantasize about having a lingerie store full of female companions that are waiting to perform every sexual fantasy that you may have? You might want to address this issue with a mental health professional.

Finally, if you’re really trying to be an internet Ladies Man, take the time to come up with a better “Pick-Up Lines”. There has been a number of books and articles written out there that will greatly improve your odds at having an anonymous shag. If you respond, I will provide you with a list to help in your sex ways.

You could improve your skills by visiting your local books store and searching for “How to Pick Up Chicks.”

Kind Regards,

Va Va Voom

I’m sure that there is a lesson to be learned here. Guys should carefully read a person’s profile.

MySpace Max Profile

Typically if there is a business involved, there is probably 2-3 people whom are dealing with the social media sites. Don’t assume that the Female is 5’7”, blond and sexy. In truth, it might be a marginally handsome 6’ 4” bearded guy that co-owns the company. Lastly, come up with some better pick-up lines.

Don’t be pathetic Max.

Post Election Commercial November 2008

Now that the Elections are over, Va Va Voom has created a new commercial. Let us know what you think!

You can send us feedback at store@va-va-voom.net.

Porn Store Etiquette – A guide for the mis-guided

After owing a Lingerie/Adult store for almost 8 years and working in one for 5 more, I think that I’ve seen it all. Retail can be a rewarding experience but once in great while you get people in who need a real lesson in etiquette. Seriously, I want to know who raised these people? These people don’t know how to act in public and need some lessons on how not to be a prick in your local Adult store.

I decided to take a poll from the employees and find out what is their biggest pet peeves. Interestingly enough, there are a number of behaviors that creeped out, freaked and grossed each one of the employees.

Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a lesson in Porn-shop Etiquette.

  1. Your Sexual Tryst Invitation: Come on. Do you know how many perverts come into adult stores and invite the employees to go out and have a roll in the hay with them. Do you think that your invitation is original? Get a life. Just because we work in an adult store doesn’t mean that we’ll put out for you. Although, we may be slutty, We’re not going to do the horizontal mabo with you. If you use the local Porn-shop as a pickup joint, you are probably an anti-social, stinky pervert. We love you as a customer, we’re just not in love with you. If you’re not, we’re not interested in your swapping, threesome or other fucked up fantasy of us hooking up.
  2. Hygiene. Take a fucking bath. Enough said.
  3. Have you seen this porn? I bet that I wouldn’t have to work at a porn shop if I got a dollar every time some person asked me that question. I don’t want to be rude, but did you know that the porn industry releases over 10,000 DVD titles a year. If you can do the simple math you’d see that I don’t have time to watch every single porn.  The average porn runs about 90 minutes. This means that I would have to watch 900000 minutes of porn to possibly see the exact DVD that you are eying. Chances are I didn’t want to spend 1.7 years of my life to become your personal porno reviewer. If you like the pictures on the cover of people fucking, you’ll probably like the porn.
  4. How about watching this porn with me? EWWWWWWWWW. Come on, why would I actually take the time out of my life to watch that porn with you. You most likely gross, desperate and don’t have a life. Do you think that I want to join your frap party with you and your friends? I don’t think so. Don’t invite me, don’t even think about it. It’s not going to happen. Ever.
  5. Strippers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go postal on a stripper. If you are a stripper, I’ll give you a discount. Just be courteous. We work in the adult entertainment industry also. We are here to serve you. Don’t come in cracked out and expect us to give a shit.
  6. Are you the old dude who look at EVERY porn? Come on, don’t be the weird old man who doesn’t say two words to us. You just head straight to the porn section, pick up and study each and every DVD on both sides and then a few hours late, leave the store in a rush. We run a business not a charity frap fantasy. If you got your rocks off for few hours, buy some lubricant. It will save you the chafing. Please leave before you use the lubricant. Please.
  7. Staring at my breasts: Now I understand that it’s in the male psyche to stare at the closest pair of breasts. I even understand that it can be a good joke. Don’t walk in and start at the poor sales girl’s breast. WTF Moment: Walking up to me and staring at my cleavage without saying two words. It’s rude and gross. We think that you’re just a creepy old pervert.  My eyes are about 12 inches higher. Have some fucking respect and talk to me like I’m a human, not a character in your siko fantasy.
  8. Don’t cop an attitude when I ask you for ID. Take it as a complement. I am just doing my part to help the fascist government keep people under 18 out of the porn store. Be flattered that you don’t look old. I’d love to see pornographic websites get the same flack as we do.
  9. How many masturbators can you break? Dude, seriously, spend the money at a bar trying to get laid. It’s probably cheaper and will not gross us out so bad. We don’t give a shit about the size of your member. There are hundreds of penises on our walls. We don’t care about yours.
  10. Fucking in the dressing room. I wouldn’t come into your place of work and fuck on your desk. How about having some respect for the store. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve busted trying to get it on at the porn store. Think about this, you probably are not the first couple in the world trying to get their kink on in the dressing room. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. By the way, FUCK You Cosmopolitan magazine for giving couples the idea in the firs place. Take your lingerie home and go fuck each other privately.

Don’t get me wrong. We love you as our customer. I want to see you return to the store as often as you want. Just don’t be the freaked out creepy customer that no one wants to deal with. Don’t make me have to throw your ass out for not having any porn store etiquette.

Jason Vance

Stripper 101

Note: I originally published this about 3 years ago. I’ve updated the article with new smart ass remarks, information and editing. Enjoy!

The other day, I was asked to write down a list of what it takes to become a stripper for a author friend of mine. Let’s face it, I’m not a stripper, nor do I play one on TV. However, I do sell a ton of stripper’s clothing and supplies and have talked with thousands over the years and I have a pretty good idea of what you should do and shouldn’t do when choosing the glamorous career as a bar room nudie dancer.

I’ve divided this post into a few sections: Tools of the Trade, Aesthetics, Attitude, Making Money and Keeping Money.

Tools of the Trade

3″ + Heels.

That’s right, first off all you’re going to need is a few pairs of really good heels. They’re going to cost you. Typically a pair of stripper shoes runs between $75 and $100. I would recommend that you purchase two pairs. The best shoes are plastic one-piece construction. You’re going to be putting quite a bit of pressure on them, so you don’t want them breaking while you’re shaking your money makers. Make sure that you also pick up a few Non-Slip rubber pads for the bottom of the shoes. You don’t want to be dancing for someone and slip up and fall (unless your trying to go for sympathy tips).

Clothing.

You should pay particular attention to the clothing that you need. In some cities, the right wing evil bureaucrats have made many rules that you need to follow from size of pasties that you may or may not need, to the size of your thong (yes, some of us perverts would really like that job).

Pasties.

If you’re not dancing in a nude bar, you’re probably going to need pasties. You may even have requirements on the size of bikini that you can wear that will keep you out of jail (I’d like to see the mug shots on that one). There are many different types that you can use, from the standard sequin pasties, Pastease to the great old standby– black electrical tape.

Outfits.

In my town, being a stripper isn’t competitive (Is there actually stripper competitions that can be taken seriously?). You’re lucky to have to compete with no more that 6 other girls on the weekend. So most of them don’t have to be very creative with their outfits. The strippers just wear standard stripper wear (bikini and thong) and don’t do any routines/outfits that use much imagination or creativity.

However, I would recommend that you pickup a few costumes to enhance your routine. What do men like? I’m glad you asked. We’ve sold thousands of costumes over the years, and you won’t be surprised to see that the most popular outfits are Naughty Nurses, Sexy School Girls, Sexy Police Women, Pirate Wenches and Bunnies. Use your imagination for Pete’s sake.

Music.

Whatever you get, you should match it to your routine to music. I’m not saying you have to do this 100% of the time, but it helps to get you a few more dollars in tips. Most clubs will allow you to bring in your choice of music. Many strippers play what’s popular for that day. That’s a bad idea. You want to be unique and stand out from the harem of strippers at your club. Don’t just play today’s trendy techo pop crap. Use the freaking internet. Find something unique that totally you. Don’t be a mindless Zombie Stripper.

Dance Routine.

Every stripper has her routine. A stripper that I know used to dress up in a Pin-Striped suit and she would come out on the dance floor playing Lords of Acid, “I Sit on Acid.” As she told me, it would make the crowd go NUTS. Learn it well and practice it. Nothing will turn off your potential customer more than when you wither and die on the stage. Do something original. Dance stripper dance…Dance for those dollars…

Accessories.

Perfume and body dust are a must. You’ll get extra tips if you invest in some Kama Sutra Honey Dust. It smells great and gives you a sexy sweet smell. Guys really dig this. Try to pick a perfume that complements it– I prefer Chanel No. 5. Don’t be wearing that cheap ass grocery store perfume. Take some time to invest in a complementary scent at a real department store.

You might want to pick up some boas, whips and chains for added BDMS appeal. Liquid Latex adds great dramatic addition to your gear. Wigs, extensions, eyelashes and sparkle makeup add to the details of your outfit/fantasy. You can’t spend all of your money on meth.

Money Purse.

A purse is needed to store all that $ you’ve made off your last dance. I really recommend that you purchase something opaque. You don’t want your other stripper associates to know how much money you’ve made. Keep your stripper friends close and your money closer.

After every set, I would recommend that you have some secure place to store your cash. I’ve heard strippers whine one two many times about how some other stripper whore has stolen her money. If you don’t you’ll be sorry. I personally think that it’s funny after all the items I’ve had stole from our store from some cracked out stripper. Paybacks are a bitch. Make sure your dollars are secure!

Aesthetics.

Manicure, manicure, manicure. You’ve heard the phrase, “The devil’s is in the details.” I recommend that you not only get a manicure, but a pedicure as well. Nothing is going to turn off a guy more than when you slap your fungus-encased toenails up in front of some his face. Get them professionally done. It’s despicable when you manicure looks like it was done by a 14 year old girl…

Genital Hair.

Let’s face it, there is nothing grosser than seeing a forest of pubic hairs sticking out of your bikini bottom. Get yourself to the nearest salon and have them wax you poetic, or maybe Brazilian. If you’re dancing at a fully nude bar, get yourself a shaving kit and shave a cute design above your sweet spot. If you’re going to self-shave I would recommend Coochy shaving cream and a shaver.

Makeup.

No Grocery store makeup for you! Take some lessons from the Mac counter at Macy’s! Get good modern style makeup. Patrons want to see bedroom eyes. Learn how to create the fantasy. That cheap ass lipstick that you wear is going to only make you look like a whore.

Hair.

I know that this is basic, but get an appointment with a real salon. Make sure that your hair is pristine. Purchase product that will keep your hair soft, silky and smooth. Split ends, dark roots and color-in-a-bottle tell your customers that you don’t care about yourself and they shouldn’t either. Cracky, bed-head meth look is not appealing, expect when you’re high. Make it look like you have a sugar daddy who takes you to nice salons.

Body Build.

Nobody said that stripping is easy work. The best legs that I’ve ever seen come from strippers. However this isn’t a guide for the old stripper, it’s a guide for the young and dumb. I would recommend that you get a gym membership and do some weight training along with some cardio workouts 3-5 times a week. Nobody wants to see cottage cheese on your thighs.

Legs and armpits.

Either shave EVERY freakin’ day or get a weekly waxing. How about doing both! Nothing is going to turn off a guy more than your European values on body hair.

Weight.

Let’s face it, if you’re going to become a stripper, you need to weigh less than your potential customers. Loose the weight first. This doesn’t mean going on the “Jenny Crank Diet”, just stop eating that crappy fast food and high fructose corn syrup food stuff. You’ll be better off going vegitarian and eating healthy. Not only will this give you a health glow, but you’ll loose the few extra LB’s you and I have been wanting you to lose.

Hygiene.

Let’s face it, bitch, wash your panties. I know a ton of strippers who don’t ever wash their outfits. Patrons don’t want be rub up against clothing that has never seen Tide. Make sure that you actually know how to use a washer. This means that you should probably find a good dry cleaner. Take your smoky stripper outfits and get them professionally cleaned.

Your Attitude

The Customer.

You are there to fulfill someone’s sick fantasy of hooking up with you. That’s it. However, there’s a line that you don’t want to cross. You want to seem sweet, approachable and available. If you come off as stuck up, bitchy or snotty, you’re going to loose money that night. I’ve ran into a few drunky and cracky strippers that didn’t know how bad they were turning off their customers. Every night you should psych yourself up to be the best stripper that you can be. This means, be NICE to everyone! (Unless they show/tell you what sort of sick bastard the really are).

Student Tales.

Actually I love this one!  Don’t tell me that you’re the urban legend of the PhD student stripper who is going to be your doctor one day. Don’t tell me that you’re going to be working here for a little while you pay your tuition. I’ve heard this a million times. If you’re going to tell someone that, pick a major that doesn’t make you look like a morn, like underwater basket weaving.  Now I don’t want a million emails telling me that you’ve met the real thing, I’m not saying they don’t exist, but they’re just elusive like the Hairy Rhinoceros.

Acting stupid.

This is just a given. Most men I know hate stupid women. Many men who patronize strip clubs are smart up-and-coming businessmen. Just don’t act stupid. Your patron are not, neither are you. Enough Said.

Your Local Boutique Sales Staff.

I’ve had enough employees to know that they rarely enjoy waiting on a stripper. A Typical stripper comes in the store and destroys our sales associates’ merchandising. Not only that they are also usually rude and sport a better-than-thou in their attitude. They treat the sales staff with absolute no respect. Take the time to get to know the girls. If you do, they’ll take care of you. They will make sure that your custom item comes in the next order. This means when there’s a new order of stripper clothing and costumes, they’ll put it aside just for you. Remember: BE SWEET. They’ll take care of you if you take care of them.

Making Money

Choice of Clubs.

This is going to probably be one of the most important decisions of your stripper career. Many clubs have pervy, shady owners. Why do you think that they opened a strip club? They wanted to try and have sex with young & dumb girls. Before you go to any club to audition, I would suggest that you invest some time to talk to the strippers at the potential club. Most club owners will hire you on a contract so they’re indemnified from everything. This means that YOU are responsible for paying taxes, insurance, etc for yourself.  Many of these clubs charge you a “Stage Fee” along with taking half of your “lap dance” money. You’re usually responsible for selling over-priced drinks to the patrons and lastly, you are going to have tip out your DJ and bouncers. Most clubs get away with running this way because the strippers that work there don’t seem to be smart enough to unite into some sort of stripper union.

Pay Attention.

I really shouldn’t have to explain this but I will anyway. Stripers haven’t been know for solving the . In the club, pay attention to who your patrons are. Many times, there will be a group of men celebrating something like a bachelor party, big promotion, etc. Cater to these men and you’ll take every penny that they’ve come to the club with.

Keeping Money Your Money.
Deposit your Money.

Need I say more? Get a bank account and before you go to your house each night, deposit all of your $1 bills. I’ve been around enough strippers to know that 99% of them really don’t know how to manage their money. I’ve known strippers who make $500 a night, four nights a week and drive a 1990 Ford. Think about this, $500 a night translates into over $100,000 per year if you can keep your cash. Don’t be one of those strippers who tells me that you make tons of money doesn’t even have a decent ride.

Learn how to Invest.

That’s right, with all your new found riches, get with an investment banker and put away 25% of the money you make each week. You could also set up some sort of Scottrade account or E-Trade account. If you do this, you should be able to live comfortable after 5 or 6 years of work. This translates into having $300,000+ in the bank. Not bad for shaking your booty in front of some blue-collar worker’s face. You have a maximum of 10 years to get it done. If you’re smart, you can retire at 28. Don’t be stupid, your beauty will fade as you get older.

Boyfriends.

If your boyfriend doesn’t make as much or more than you, he’s just a Gold Digging BITCH. Dump his sorry ass. You’re a fantasy, so be one in the real world. Don’t give some guy a lap dance and talk about your boyfriend all night. Your customer wants to think that you’re perfectly available, even if you really hate men.

Conclusion

Being a successful stripper doesn’t require a PhD in business. You have one three assets that you can really use. You have a limited amount of time before there is someone upstages you, being prettier and completely hotter than your ass. Unless you plan on buying the joint, you’re not going to be hanging out at these establishments at 40. Learn how to make your money work for you and not how to work for your money.

Some thoughts for the road.

  • How many pairs of 6″+ heels do you need? Buy a house, a car or invest your money…put it under your mattress, don’t buy any more clothes that you won’t wear when your 30.
  • Don’t become a cracked-out whore like your associates…
  • Treat your local boutique employees like gold…
  • Your Body is a Business, not a methadone clinic…
  • Why be the whore when you can be the Madam…
  • If you’re boyfriend is OK with your job, dump his sorry ass…
  • If you make more than your boyfriend dump his sorry ass…

Jason Vance

Continue reading ‘Stripper 101’

The Sex Therapist

A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, goes to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare


Va Va Voom Flicker Photos

RSS Va Va Voom New Products

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.
Add to Technorati Favorites

RSS Va Va Voom Interesting Links

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.