Posts Tagged 'Pornography'

Porn Store Etiquette – A guide for the mis-guided

After owing a Lingerie/Adult store for almost 8 years and working in one for 5 more, I think that I’ve seen it all. Retail can be a rewarding experience but once in great while you get people in who need a real lesson in etiquette. Seriously, I want to know who raised these people? These people don’t know how to act in public and need some lessons on how not to be a prick in your local Adult store.

I decided to take a poll from the employees and find out what is their biggest pet peeves. Interestingly enough, there are a number of behaviors that creeped out, freaked and grossed each one of the employees.

Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a lesson in Porn-shop Etiquette.

  1. Your Sexual Tryst Invitation: Come on. Do you know how many perverts come into adult stores and invite the employees to go out and have a roll in the hay with them. Do you think that your invitation is original? Get a life. Just because we work in an adult store doesn’t mean that we’ll put out for you. Although, we may be slutty, We’re not going to do the horizontal mabo with you. If you use the local Porn-shop as a pickup joint, you are probably an anti-social, stinky pervert. We love you as a customer, we’re just not in love with you. If you’re not, we’re not interested in your swapping, threesome or other fucked up fantasy of us hooking up.
  2. Hygiene. Take a fucking bath. Enough said.
  3. Have you seen this porn? I bet that I wouldn’t have to work at a porn shop if I got a dollar every time some person asked me that question. I don’t want to be rude, but did you know that the porn industry releases over 10,000 DVD titles a year. If you can do the simple math you’d see that I don’t have time to watch every single porn.  The average porn runs about 90 minutes. This means that I would have to watch 900000 minutes of porn to possibly see the exact DVD that you are eying. Chances are I didn’t want to spend 1.7 years of my life to become your personal porno reviewer. If you like the pictures on the cover of people fucking, you’ll probably like the porn.
  4. How about watching this porn with me? EWWWWWWWWW. Come on, why would I actually take the time out of my life to watch that porn with you. You most likely gross, desperate and don’t have a life. Do you think that I want to join your frap party with you and your friends? I don’t think so. Don’t invite me, don’t even think about it. It’s not going to happen. Ever.
  5. Strippers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go postal on a stripper. If you are a stripper, I’ll give you a discount. Just be courteous. We work in the adult entertainment industry also. We are here to serve you. Don’t come in cracked out and expect us to give a shit.
  6. Are you the old dude who look at EVERY porn? Come on, don’t be the weird old man who doesn’t say two words to us. You just head straight to the porn section, pick up and study each and every DVD on both sides and then a few hours late, leave the store in a rush. We run a business not a charity frap fantasy. If you got your rocks off for few hours, buy some lubricant. It will save you the chafing. Please leave before you use the lubricant. Please.
  7. Staring at my breasts: Now I understand that it’s in the male psyche to stare at the closest pair of breasts. I even understand that it can be a good joke. Don’t walk in and start at the poor sales girl’s breast. WTF Moment: Walking up to me and staring at my cleavage without saying two words. It’s rude and gross. We think that you’re just a creepy old pervert.  My eyes are about 12 inches higher. Have some fucking respect and talk to me like I’m a human, not a character in your siko fantasy.
  8. Don’t cop an attitude when I ask you for ID. Take it as a complement. I am just doing my part to help the fascist government keep people under 18 out of the porn store. Be flattered that you don’t look old. I’d love to see pornographic websites get the same flack as we do.
  9. How many masturbators can you break? Dude, seriously, spend the money at a bar trying to get laid. It’s probably cheaper and will not gross us out so bad. We don’t give a shit about the size of your member. There are hundreds of penises on our walls. We don’t care about yours.
  10. Fucking in the dressing room. I wouldn’t come into your place of work and fuck on your desk. How about having some respect for the store. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve busted trying to get it on at the porn store. Think about this, you probably are not the first couple in the world trying to get their kink on in the dressing room. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. By the way, FUCK You Cosmopolitan magazine for giving couples the idea in the firs place. Take your lingerie home and go fuck each other privately.

Don’t get me wrong. We love you as our customer. I want to see you return to the store as often as you want. Just don’t be the freaked out creepy customer that no one wants to deal with. Don’t make me have to throw your ass out for not having any porn store etiquette.

Jason Vance

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The Best Review of Pirates EVER

So, for this week’s blog entry, I decided to write a review on the movie “Pirates.” It’s supposed to be the greatest porn movie out there, having won numerous AVN awards. Thus, you can imagine, I was pretty darn excited (excuse the pun) when I took this on.

I got ready for bed– with my popcorn and a tall glass of water thinking,  “WOW this should be great!” Except within the first 45 minutes I was sound asleep!

Okay, maybe I was a little tired, had worked hard that day or something, right?  So, I decided to give it another try. There I was, the next night, no popcorn this time, propped up in bed, ready to be trilled…. No dice. Snoozing. However, I did make for around an hour. At this point, I thought… well, maybe it is not me; maybe this movie is all hype and no return!

But, to give it the benefit of the doubt, like those books you start, hate, and finish just to see what happens, I once again popped in Pirates… Yet again, yes, you guessed it… I fell asleep! Eventually, through this method and much personal fortitude, I made it through the movie. Here is my complete review:

Pirates, is the most expensive porn movie ever produced. However, it is extremely painful to watch if you’re trying to look for a good plot, or even decent acting ability. It’s supposed to be a showcase film for the director, whose name is simply Joone, to show well-lit XXX (supposed) sex scenes and lots of goofy computer enhanced scenes involving seascapes, caves and ships… the icing on the cake being the skeleton pirates that have to duel with some bad-ass girls on an island.

I can’t really recommend it, as it has no real merit as far as real creativity goes. How hard is it to make a spin off the original POTC?

On the other hand, it does, however, contain the highest caliber of sleaze entertainment that I have seen in awhile, and it’s a fairly entertaining movie if you can stay awake long enough to watch it.

The dialog is not good but it does lead up to some interesting quotes— lines that you and your friends (or whomever you may or may not be watching the movie with) will be saying for a few days to follow. Long-time porn star Evan Stone delivers his lines with the convincing silliness because he’s probably the only one who gets how stupid the script is, and rolls with it.  Actresses with one-word names, such as, “Teagan” and “Devon” aren’t quite as adept. You’ll get the idea about five minutes into the film… if not sooner.

The b/g scenes were very short. Not that I really need to see those half-hour completely fake sex scenes, but even by “couple-friendly porn” standards, the sex was basic if not down right boring. In my opinion, only the g/g scenes show any real edge, with all the booties on display, I found it completely unbelievable that none of the males even accidentally touched their female partner’s ‘forbidden’ entrances (the girls do indulge in it a bit, in the g/g scenes). There might have been a “strictly no anal sex” clause in this movie, but did they have to leave off all oral or digital (as in finger,) manipulation by the males as well?

In the one and only threesome scene amongst the ten sex scenes, the third partner (Teagan) contributes a little  “lip service” for a shot period of time…what’s the use of having a top rated porn star in a scene when you’re not going to use her?

Another missed opportunity was the Carmen Luvana-Jenaveve Jolie g/g session in the middle of a leering male crowd of pirate types. They could have at least got their cocks out and beat it to the hot scene taking place in front of them, but no, they stand around just watching and drinking their beer… Come on! Is that really even believable?

Also, for all the seemingly rough characters in the film, it’s surprising we didn’t see any 2-on-1 MMF sex scenes– the pirates here are only marginally (and that’s being generous) ‘harder’ than those from the Disney flick (at least these ones have sex…sometimes).

Long story short, I expected steamier sex scenes in this extremely expensive movie, but what I got instead was mediocrity.

This movie is a complete two thumbs down due to bad acting, boring sex scenes and being way too drawn out.  I mean, really, the original POTC wasn’t even two hours long!

Sabrina


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